Monday, July 11, 2005

The Blog or the Bat

Following is one of the funniest email conversations known to man, immortalized here for posterity. It began when Joe sent an email announcing the latest update to his blog.

I am vexed as to how you find time to keep a blog going and won't find the time to see Batman Begins. It's almost as if you don't want Batman to fight crime anymore. It's almost like you think Batman isn't a hero, but is a vigilante. It's almost like you don't want to support Batman's movies so that he can continue to make modifications to the batmobile, batcave and batsuit. It's almost as if you want the citizens of Gotham to suffer so that you can write about guys on horses needing a lot of dimes to get through make believe Old West Tollbooths. It's kind of like you only want to help out Batman if Batman helps you out… well Joe, Batman needs to help out everyone, not just you. Batman isn't your personal bodyguard Joe… he's a man… a man with a vendetta… a man with a vendetta in a suit that makes him look like a bat. Maybe you don't want Batman to have proper weight lifting and training equipment so he will loose body mass and become a walking target for such villains as the Joker, Penguin, Mr. Freeze, Two-Face, The Riddler, The Scarecrow, Egghead, Bookworm, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, Ras Al Guhl, The Man-Bat, Clay Face and big rubber sharks that hook on to his leg when a mystery yacht that he is trying to board disappears and forces him into the sea, only to make Robin get some Bat Shark Repellent out of his selection of Oceanic Bat Sprays. I mean Batman has a lot of work in Gotham to do and Wayne Enterprises can't afford all of his gadget and secrecy needs. His movies provide valuable cash flow to continue his assault on crime. Maybe it's time you made a choice Joe: The Blog… or the Bat?
Your Batman supporting friend,

Say, I know a couple people whose names start with H and M (and end with ans and egan) who still haven't seen the BM movie yet either. (That's BatMan, not BowelMovement.)
...I'm not sure what all this means, but there seems to be some importance...

Well Hans and Megan (yeah I figured out your names),
It seems as though you would prefer for Batman to wear a ski mask and a black jogging suit instead of his super sweet survival Batsuit. I'm sure that will strike terror into the hearts of criminals everywhere. UGH!!!! Maybe in your world Batman drives a 1985 Sky Blue Plymouth Horizon… maybe that's how you would like him to speed after criminals… I would prefer the Batmobile however (and the monetary contributions of theater goers to Batman's movies support such gadgetry). Maybe you should just go see Revenge of the Sith again, supporting people who don't actually exist in a time that doesn't exist. I, however, will support Batman in his real-life assault on injustice by paying $8.75 to see his movies multiple times.
UGH!!! It's like talking with children!! Crime loving children that is.

Seriously Michael. Seriously.

Well if it isn't Mr. "Batman comes second to my Blog".
Batman hates you.

For the record, Revenge of the Sith isn't imaginary. It just happened a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

And sucked. Hard.

Batman vs. Obi Wan
Batman = Winner
Obi Wan: Whoaa! I use a lightsaber! I like light that cuts people! Whoooooahhhh! I have a beard! Whoooahhh! I used to be a Padawan and train young Han Solo with a sweet pony tail and stuff. Let's go Batman!
Batman: I'm Batman
Obi Wan: I'm an imaginary construct
Batman: I'm real.
Batman then proceeds to wrap up Obi Wan with the Batarang, and there's nothing that Obi Wan can do with his cutting light, because he's imaginary. Then Batman leaves Obi Wan tied up and hanging from Robert Fett's ship until Commissioner Gordon can get there with District Attorney Harvey Dent. He then drives away in his Batmobile (which if Hans had his way would be a 1985 Plymouth Horizon) to fight real crime and not weirdo Hyperspeed Limit breakers.

Michael, you dirty crack whore, enough with the Batman already. It's not so much that we don't like Batman, it's more that we just are sick of you talking about it. Am I gonna pay to see Batman? No. Does this mean I don't care about the citizens of Gotham? Damn right! F*ck Gotham!! If cities like Los Angeles and NYC can survive with just a police department, then I think the 'ol Gotham PD will suffice as well. But you go ahead, drop another $8.75 at the
UltraScreen, maybe that'll compensate for the rest of us that just don't give a sh*t. I'm out.

You sound like a troubled youth. Perhaps you could take a few tips from Batman. His search for justice could really be a good influence on you. It is almost like you don't want Batman to succeed in his war on the injustice that plagues the heart of Gotham. If you want, we can talk more about Batman. While you spend your money on continually rerenting "The Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood", I will spend my money purchasing and viewing Batman's movies to insure that his assault on crime continues.
Joe's mom also now knows that you swear and think swear words in your head. Man is she mad.

I am vexed as to why people like Joe, Hans and Tom would rather see Batman use a Nerf Dart gun than a gas powered high tensile wire repelling agent. I wouldn't be surprised if they wanted Batman to give his cave over to animal rights activists and wildlife preserve organizations, instead of using it for his intense and highly necessary crime fighting needs. They would rather see Batman operating out of an efficiency apartment than a super sweet, super secret batcave. It makes my stomach turn… and Batman's no doubt. After all the good that he does for the people of Gotham, Joe can't pay $8.75 to make sure that when Batman scales walls his line doesn't snap. All I know is that if I were Batman (which I may or may not be), I would feel really let down by Joe and his star wars loving fans who spend money on an imaginary world over a real one.

I love you, Tom.
Michael, seriously. What's the deal? I thought we were friends. Plus Batman is fake.
And Star Wars Rules.

I'm not friends with people who support injustice.
Wherever there is suffering, Batman and the Three Amigos will be there. But you wouldn't support them either… because you have to spend all of your money on supporting a little green goblin who talks backwards and waves a flashlight around. WHOOOOAHHHH!!!!! Why don't you just support the green goblin who is spider mans arch nemesis too! You seem to like little green goblins a lot. Little green goblin lover.
Batman's suit is The Force Resistant as well as knife proof… so not only would Obi Wan's force not work on him, but his "flashlight cutter" wouldn't work either. Batman probably uses copies of Star Wars (the original trilogy version prior to the special editions) to burn as fuel for the engine in the Batmobile.
I'll bet your Mom is really excited that you love Tom, what with his head full of swearing and everything.
In closing I would like to say a few words….
Batman is real.
Star Wars is fake.
Joe is a good man. Perhaps his support of a fake universe is a bit misguided instead of supporting heroic justice in Gotham City, but it's forgivable… and he will eventually help Batman purchase gadgetry and secure crime fighting devices through viewing of the movie.
Joe's love of superheroes is exemplified by his dressing like superboy for Halloween some three years ago. Also all of his posters of wonder woman, batgirl and superwoman lead me to believe that perhaps the lady superheroes like Joe and Joe likes the lady superheroes. Perhaps in the long run, Joe will be influenced by these superheroines and their tightly fitting supersuits to support Batman in pursuit of justice.
But I digress.
Joe is a symbol of justice in his own right. His Blog is not an enemy of justice… it most likely exemplifies the freedom of speech that is part of the justice we all share. His stories bring a smile to my face, and my sources tell me… to the face of Batman.


Blogger Joe Dorn said...

I'm so glad you posted those funny! Also kingdomofloathing is a cool site.

I'm out like me in dodgeball.

2:52 PM  

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